big ah-ha moment for me
I’ve had a couple times this week that I’ve gone full blown into self sabotage mode. My actions are completely different from my goals. I was just making one of my many potty trips of the day when it hit me.
I’m so afraid of investing all the time and effort to lose weight and get fit only to fail, so I’ve been sabotaging myself so I fail faster.
Basically I’ve mentally gone straight to thinking I am going to fail and why make it worse for myself by actually trying so hard? It’s not all about the time and effort either. It’s also about the failure. In my head I realize that I will feel like more of a failure if I go to the gym, eat right, drink gallons of water, and stay the same size, or like last time, regain a large portion of it.
I’ve totally and completely been road blocking myself to avoid that pain. That’s what it is when you lose and regain or don’t become the body you are hoping to become. It hurts. It tortures your soul. It’s a wound, the wound is deep and the scars stay bright red and irritated for a long, long time.
I carry my scars, but it’s time to realize they are old wounds, they fade, and they are not a reminder of failure, but a reminder of what I’ve made it through. The funny thing is that I do have many physical scars as a result of my car crash. I have at least a dozen, most of them being large and noticeable. My left arm alone has a giant L shaped scar on the shoulder and a long winding one all down the outside of my arm to my elbow, which has a cornucopia of small scars. How much do these bother me? I wore a sleeveless dress to a wedding, apparently they don’t bother me much right?
The emotional scars bother me much more. They hold me back so much more than any of my physical ones. Seeing this in myself and facing it has just made them fade a little bit.
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I know how you feel. It is so easy to get discouraged. I am an all or nothing person, so if I fall off the plan, I say “screw it” and lay around and eat dumb snacks for the rest of the day…..but I am trying to change that.
You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to keep going.
By the way, even if you “go to the gym, eat right, drink gallons of water, and stay the same size” you are still taking care of your body. I have been working out more than ever before since my son was born. The scale have not budged, but I feel better. A year ago I never could have made it 5 minutes on the cross trainer….now I can go for half an hour. It’s not only the numbers that count….so be encouraged and don’t give up!
I know exactly waht you mean I was really down last week because I hadn’t weighed myself in months, and i hadn’t realized how much I had gained, so I thought why even try. But I guess if we all just take it one day at a time, those small mini results will be the motivating factor. Good luck with all your efforts and knwo that we are all on here to supprot each other.
I am right there with you - my self dialogue is not that great
Trying to talk myslef into my work out right now
Good ahha! Coming here helps my scars fade
wow that’s deep. but yeah…it’s discouraging working so hard and seeing no progress…but you can do it.
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I’m having a tough time right now too, and I’m questioning whether I am sabotaging myself . I manage to do enough damage every single week now to keep me from losing. I am the smallest I have been in about 20 years and I think on some level that is freaking me out. I’ve got to get a handle on it, so I can get back on track. I will not give up this time either!