kaire

This morning on my way to work I heard breaking news of a head on collision in a near by town.  Life line choppers had been dispatched and traffic was all tied up.  Immediately I was overwhelmed by the memories and I burst into tears.  I prayed for those involved and asked God to send angels to comfort them. 

It’s amazing some times how I can instantly recall the feelings of confusion, fear, shock, and denial, even though it’s been almost 15 years.    Pain wasn’t an issue.  It was the shock that I remember the most.  Not me … this is a bad dream …  I just hope those involved get a second chance at life like I did. 

Speaking of my life, I did finally see an endocrinologist.  That was the best thing to happen to me in a long time.  She was wonderful, assured me that she would get me feeling better, and gave me the answer to what is wrong with me.  I have an auto-immune disease called Hashimoto’s thyroiditis.  Personally I think it sounds like an Iron Chef name than a legitimate disease.  My friend Lorster happily renamed me “Iron Gimp
America” and I have to admit, I like it.  It’s not a curable disease, you just manage it.  It’s mine forever, it’s very common, and when it’s found, the treatment is pretty easy.  It’s just more dosage adjustments and blood tests. 

I already have more energy (although I’m catching a cold now!) and my head is not surrounded in a haze. 

I’ve also finished my time with the fitness coach and nutritionist.  They were both so completely awesome and really helped me get a plan for life.  Both of them want to keep in touch with me.  In 5 weeks I lost 13 pounds and 19 ½ inches.  That was without the new medication for my thyroid and the endo said it will be much easier for me to lose weight when this is all straightened out. 

So that’s the long awaited update. 

Thanks for staying tuned

I’ve had a couple times this week that I’ve gone full blown into self sabotage mode.  My actions are completely different from my goals.  I was just making one of my many potty trips of the day when it hit me.

 I’m so afraid of investing all the time and effort to lose weight and get fit only to fail, so I’ve been sabotaging myself so I fail faster.

Basically I’ve mentally gone straight to thinking I am going to fail and why make it worse for myself by actually trying so hard?  It’s not all about the time and effort either.  It’s also about the failure.  In my head I realize that I will feel like more of a failure if I go to the gym, eat right, drink gallons of water, and stay the same size, or like last time, regain a large portion of it.

I’ve totally and completely been road blocking myself to avoid that pain.  That’s what it is when you lose and regain or don’t become the body you are hoping to become.  It hurts.  It tortures your soul.  It’s a wound, the wound is deep and the scars stay bright red and irritated for a long, long time.

I carry my scars, but it’s time to realize they are old wounds, they fade, and they are not a reminder of failure, but a reminder of what I’ve made it through.  The funny thing is that I do have many physical scars as a result of my car crash.  I have at least a dozen, most of them being large and noticeable.  My left arm alone has a giant L shaped scar on the shoulder and a long winding one all down the outside of my arm to my elbow, which has a cornucopia of small scars.  How much do these bother me?  I wore a sleeveless dress to a wedding, apparently they don’t bother me much right?

The emotional scars bother me much more.  They hold me back so much more than any of my physical ones.  Seeing this in myself and facing it has just made them fade a little bit.

Last Thursday I had my first week weigh in with Jen, my fitness coach.  We were both so shocked to see I lost 6 pounds.  Not sure where it went, but hey, I’ll take it.

Unfortunately I spent the rest of the weekend trying to sabotage myself.  I’m scared of failing, so I tried to blow it.  Can’t be a failure if you don’t try!  It took a little bit to get it through my head that it’s better to try and see where it gets me.  Failing is not doing what I need to do.

Today I’m back to counting my calories and I’ll be hitting the gym after work!

Tonight I meet with Jen, my fitness coach, to have my first weigh in and talk about how things are going.  I have my fingers and toes so crossed!  I realize part of my frustration is that the scale is going to move slowly.  I really have to nip the negative thinking in the bud.  Any weight loss is a great weight loss.  Inches gone are even more amazing.  I have to look at all the changes, not just the numbers.  It all falls into this being a life change, not a temporary schedule to be followed. 

Another big thing for me is to realize that I have to put myself first.  I’m usually the one who adapts to others to keep from rocking the boat.  One of my best friends had the lap band done last year.  I was concerned when she got it because I’ve never felt her mindset has been right.  At one point I thought she was going to prove me wrong, because she was going to the gym with me.  I adapted my program to what she was instructed to do, but I really didn’t like it or agree with it.  She became involved in a relationship and kind of dropped out of sight for a few months.   

Last night was the first time that we met up since late March or so.  I was already doing my cardio when she arrived.  I explained to her what I was doing and why.  (Cardio cross training, 3 different machines, 15/10/15 minutes.)  She said that she talked to someone in the surgeon’s office about her fitness goals and she told him she wanted to walk a 10k at the end of October.  She said she was told not to do the cybex cross trainer, bike, or elliptical, and she should only do the treadmill. 

What I wanted to say is “who the hell gave you that stupid advice?” but instead I just said “oh, okay.”  Not my job to direct her fitness and I have my own path to follow right?  We spent the remainder of my first 15 minutes side by side on the treadmills after her saying that we’d just chit chat in crossing at the gym. 

I spent the remainder of my time with my heart rate up and the tread on an incline.  I was breathing hard and sweating profusely.  She strolled and talked.  I did manage to squeek out that I couldn’t really talk because I had to keep my heart rate level up.  She said she hated that she couldn’t get her heart rate up on the treadmill.  I just grunted something that sounded like “yeah.”  Really, what else can I say?  I was actually thankful when I got to move to my next cardio machine.  She asked if I was really going to do 40 minutes.  I said yes and asked what she was shooting for.  She “hoped” she’d get 20 in. 

She finished before I did with her weights and caught up with me then.  She was like “oh now you can talk” and I said “well, I can listen!” because really, when you are lifting hard, you are concentrating on your form and breathing.  So I listened and she made comments on the amount of weight I was lifting and such.

I have to stop here and say that I love this woman, she’s been a good friend since junior high (19 *cough* 80) and we’ve battled a lot together.  That being said, I want to beat some sense into her.  With a weight.  Or two.

In no particular order I present topics that made me freak internally or just want to smack some sense into her:

• she had cancelled on meeting me at the gym Tuesday because she was sick from irritating her pouch.  She couldn’t figure it out at the time why the band was bothering her (note the blame on the band.) Almost 14 hours later she violently threw up chicken that she forgot she ate.  I’ve researched the different weight loss surgeries and there are a lot of food cautions, chicken being a big one.  When I asked if chicken is something she has to be careful with she told me that she has to eat chicken, that steak is worse, but she sure as hell isn’t going to go without them for the rest of her life.  Next time she’ll just make sure she has some kind of cream sauce with it.

• she threw up so violently that she had spots before her eyes.  This isn’t good for anyone, but when you are banded the force of this can cause the band to slip.  Since she’s going to continue to eat things that will get stuck, she is risking this frequently.

• she’s thrilled she lost 5 lbs. from not being able to eat all day Tuesday.  This wiped out half the weight she gained in the previous month from primarily eating milk and cookies.

• not only is she listening to this fitness advice to only do 20 minutes of treadmill time without excellerating her heart rate, she’s paying this guy for an hour long session in a few weeks.  I’m not sure what they are going to do for an hour, since he said she shouldn’t do any lower body weights (treadmill is enough) and only do biceps and triceps exercises.

• new boyfriend is not only still married, his wife is refusing to sign papers.  She wants half of a settlement, he won’t give it to her, my friend thinks it’s horrible but she got half of her husband’s accident settlement when they divorced …

• she spouted off how the stimulus checks messed up his social security disability and now he has to find a full time job with benefits because he no longer has the medicare insurance to treat his foot.  He had all his toes amputated in December and has not taken care of the wound or stayed off his feet like he was told.  He still has an open wound, but can’t get it treated.  Plus he has to give up his newest career as a lawn mower.  Let’s just gloss over the fact that starting your own business while on SS disability is fraudulent.  Ahem.  Also he has only 3 teeth because of lack of dental insurance.  When he gets some insurance, he’s going to get the last ones pulled and get dentures. 

• no income means he can’t pay child support for his kids.  My friend took her ex back to court because he wasn’t paying his.  I don’t see where it’s wrong for her ex not to pay, but understandable for her boyfriend.

• they are planning to get married next June.  They are also planning to have more kids.  A little over 4 mths. ago she was going to have her tubes blocked but her insurance wouldn’t cover it.  Did I mention she’s a nurse in a catholic based hospital?  I don’t know how old his kids are, but her daughter will be 12 this year.  Back when she was talking about sterilization it was because the last thing she wanted was more kids when she has hers almost grown.

• her ex, who she has nothing good to say about since the divorce, is now good enough to watch their daughter while she goes out with her boyfriend.

• I don’t know how truthful he’s been about his past.  Another close friend of mine is friends with his sister.  He is not welcome at many of his sibling’s houses because of stealing.  He has never kept a job and been in and out of trouble.

I don’t know the person she’s turned into right now.  I know when her ex got remarried it hit her hard to be un-married.  I understand that has to be hard.  Her ex is a jerk.  I’m appalled by the way he’s handled things with the divorce and taking care of their daughter.  What I don’t get is why she would pick someone worse.  Compiling this with the lack of self care with her band has put me at an impass.  I really don’t see that I can continue being passive in my responses when I’m so against all that is going on in her life.  At the same time the last thing I want to do is hurt her.

I’m scared to think they might get married.  I’m scared she’s going to really hurt herself by tramatizing her band.  I’m also not responsible to fix her, but I feel responsible to be her friend.

All of this would normally send me through the nearest drive thru, trying to stuff down the raging emotions with food.  Instead I went home, had some diet pop and some ranch flavored rice cakes.

As much as I hate the choices she’s making, it shows me that I am in control of my own destiny.  I refuse to be distracted from my goals.

Sorry for the long, complaining entry, but I have to release all this or it will manifest itself in other ways that may distract me from my goals.  I can’t have that happening!

I have an appointment with an endocrinologist on July 7.  I’m hoping this will be the source of great change and feeling better.

This past weekend was my boyfriend’s oldest son’s wedding.  It was a beautiful ceremony and we had a wonderful time at the reception.  The couple handled the issue of  mom, dad, step-dad, and girlfriend of dad really well.  I was very touched to be included in the parents’ picture and the processional at the reception.  It made me cry honestly.   

M’s family is so different than mine.  They aren’t afraid to tell you they love you.  That’s something foreign to me.  We’ve been together for 7 years so you’d think I’d be used to it, but as time goes on and we grow closer, it becomes even easier to accept that I am part of their family.  One of the sweetest moments was when I was thanking the groom for including me and telling him how surprised and touched I was.  He looked at me quite puzzled and said “why wouldn’t we Karen, you’re practically family.  Geeze!”  I think part of the reason it meant so much was that it didn’t have to be handled that way.  I am not married to his father, I could have been left out.  Instead the couple decided to honor M by including me and it was such a nice gesture.

I have some photos back and I’m shocked how damn fat I look.  I’m trying not to dwell on that, but it’s hard.  I’m not beating myself up about it, I’m just reminding myself of why I’m working so hard to go in the opposite direction of the size I am now.

As for working hard, I have a new exercise routine from Jen, my fitness coach.  40-45 minutes of cardio cross training, 6 times a week.  She said that my circuit training was too much in a day for my body and instead split it into upper body and lower body, plus I never lift two days in a row.  I am to do 2-3 sets, 10-15 reps, and to really push for total muscle fatigue.  I like this routine and the cardio goes by really fast.  She has me do 15/10/15 and I can switch up the order of the machines as I want on any given day.  Again, she wants me to push it hard and to try and get my heart rate to spike high a few times during it.

Meg, my nutritionist, was really helpful.  She gave me a calorie range I can live with and suggested ways to tweak my eating so I stay full longer.  So far it’s working.  I’m so proud that I made it through the wedding without doing any serious over eating.  It felt so good to enjoy myself instead of worrying how much I ate and feeling like I blew it.

She also made a list for me of all the things she saw that I was doing right and had me tell her positive things.  She and Jen have said the same thing, that it’s very evident that I am READY to do this.  I am ready.  Very much so!  I feel so in control and at peace with my plan.  I’m so thankful for how this all played out.  I was so let down with the melt down, but this has changed my life.  This has given me the power to change my life.  It’s awesome!

The second round of blood tests shows that my own body is attacking my thyroid!  There is a war going on inside me and I didn’t even know it!  I’ve been refered to an endocrinologist so I will hopefully have an appointment some time in July.

It may be a long wait, but if the result is that I feel better, then it’s worth it!

I met with my personal coach and that went really well.  Tonight I meet with my nutritionist.  Monday I’ll put it all together in a post :)  Thanks for all the well wishes & encouragement!

More blood tests were started yesterday and I should have the results by Sat. or Mon.  I think what he is testing for is just another variation of thyroid stuff.  Most likely I will just end up with more medication.

 I’m so tired today it’s insane, so I am looking foward to an end to this part of the hypothyroidism.  It’s horrible and I feel like a fat bloated slug.

Tonight after work I meet with Jen, my fitness coach. I sound so hoity toity when I say that … my fitness coach… bah!  Tomorrow I meet with my nutritionist.  I always have said if I had a trainer and a nutritionist like rich people do, I could be skinny too.

 Stay tuned!

Yesterday I went to the doctor because there would be no refills without a visit to my happy guy of a doc.  Seriously, I adore him.  He listens and doesn’t blame everything on being fat.  He actually listened to me when I first came to him and got my thyroid diagnosed.  I have goiter, which is an enlargement of the thyroid.  I had blood tests yesterday, but just the physical exam showed my thyroid had grown a bit in the last year.  I called for results this morning and my TSH was high.  That means a medicine change.

It also means I might just feel better.  Part of having an under-functioning thyroid is that you feel tired all the time.  Not just a mere wanting a nap, but more like wanting to sleep 23 out of 24 hours.   I have been feeling just wiped out for the last few months.  Now I know why.  Hopefully a new dose will be called in to the pharmacy and I’ll be feeling better in a few weeks.

Doc also said that it’s probably holding my weight loss back.  He said I should have lost more during the cardio triathlon than 3 lbs.  I’d settle for the energy.  I’m dragging and the thought of going to the gym after work is nuts.  I don’t even want to make dinner.  I just want to sleep.

 After that I went to have my car looked at.  I got new tires in February and my tires have been getting louder and louder.  It was a wheel bearing.  Two and half hours and $466 later, I left with a quiet car.  I did walk to the bookstore while I waited and had an iced coffee and a turkey sandwich.  A million frosty high calorie things that I could have soothed my soul with, but I knew that none of those choices would fix my car or my wallet.  Wouldn’t help my butt size either!

While I was trying to enjoy that and not go crazy about my car, Meg the nutritionist called me to set up an appointment for Friday.  So Thursday I’m seeing Jen to get my workouts figured out and Friday I’m getting a food plan.

I was still stressed out when I got home so I did something about it.  Normally this would be eating to numb the stress, but I had talked to both Jen & Meg last night and they were in my head.  I changed clothes and weeded the flower garden.  By the time I was done, my stress was long gone.

Tonight I will get into the gym, tired or not.  I know I have to push myself.  It will be worth it though!

Way back in mid-April I was very excited about joining a local “melt down” at the park district fitness center.  I was all wound up about getting nutrition information, but most of all having a personal coach to encourage me weekly.  I love Biggest Loser, so I was so ecstatic about joining this program.

After the second week of not hearing from my coach, I gave up.  Screw the program, I’ll see what happens.  Mid-way I talked to someone about the mid-point measurements, expressed my frustration and asked that someone address this and got some stupid excuses.  I was also doing the cardio triathlon, so I really did give up on the melt down.  I got called for my final measurements and again, expressed my disappointment.

Saturday was the program’s ending party, which I went to in order to talk to the director and let her know how this affected me, plus I wanted to help make sure this never happened to someone else, especially someone who is obese and pinning their hopes on the program.

At the party they handed out evaluations and as expected I pretty much crucified them.  I really made sure that they knew how this emotionally screwed with me.  During the program they verbally asked for positive and negative views on the program.  I was listening to all these other people tell how much they got out of it all and felt even worse.  I finally raised my hand and said “I’m only speaking for myself.  What I hear other people expressing is what I wanted, but I never heard from anyone and felt abandoned.”  The director said that she knew that had happened to a few people, that the program had overwhelmed them, and we were all on her contact list.  She asked if I’d stay after and talk to her.  I said yes, but didn’t really want to.

The results people had were amazing.  The guy who won the whole thing lost 27 pounds in 5 weeks and reduced his  body fat a ridiculous amount.  By the time they went through all the top 15, I just wanted to go somewhere and cry.

When it was over, they took a group shot of us.  I was trying to escape, but got herded into the group.  As soon as the group broke up, I tried to make my run for it.  Unfortunately it’s really easy for a fitness director (Holly) who conducts 20 some classes a week to catch a gimp.  I give her credit, she completely listened to me and didn’t make excuses for her staff and herself.  She did explain what happened (4 staff members no longer work there, the one that was my personal coach was FIRED!)  They caught most people at the fitness center when they worked out.  I don’t work out there, so I fell through the crack.  I was on her list (as is T) to be called about joining the fall program to make up for it.

She offered me some choices.  I could have a full refund or I could have this made up to me.  I was thinking refund because I had no faith in the fall program and knew emotionally I couldn’t handle that.  Before I could answer she said “Karen, what we’d really like to do is provide to you what you signed on for.  I feel horrified about what happened to you and I do not want you to feel like this is the kind of people we are.”  I told her (with freaking tears in my eyes) that I didn’t know what I wanted.  She said “what did you want when you joined up?”  I said “I wanted the tools I need to not be so damn fat any more!!!!!  I’m freaking sick of living this way!”  She asked me if I was willing to let them help me make the changes.  I said yes.  She told me to stay right where I was.

I did.

She brought back Meg, the nutritionist.  She told Meg what happened (Meg did look horrified and hugged me when she heard!) and told Meg to schedule all the time I need from her for the ENTIRE SUMMER and that she will be paid by the park district for her time spent with me.  I started talking to Meg and Holly took off again.  She came back with Jen, who is going to be my personal fitness coach for the ENTIRE SUMMER.

I was also informed by each of them that I was going to be their focus and they were going to “ride my butt” so they hoped I realized what I was in for.  Holly explained that they had 70 people to focus on before, now they had …. Me.

Holly told me that she wanted to do this for quite a few reasons, and she told me them.  She said that after hearing what happened to me everyone felt so emotional towards me and about what happened … and what I wanted to accomplish.  It wrecked them to see how it affected me and to hear what this did to my confidence.  She also said that what really got her was that I was the only person in the group that got neglected to come face them and let them know exactly what affect it had on them.  She told me that was such a strong, brave thing to do and I deserved nothing less than to reach my goals.  She asked that they be given another chance to help me do that.  I told her that my biggest concern is that this could have happened to someone who would complete give up and say “screw it, I’m just gonna be fat forever.”

Truth be told, I’m scared now!  Scared the promises won’t be kept … and scared they will!  I realized yesterday that for this to be successful I am going to have to surrender to them.  Surrender my stubbornness and follow their rules.

As scary as that is, the thought of what I can get out of this is amazing to me.  It’s definitely one of those “God works in mysterious ways” kind of things.  I’ve already been told by Jen that she gets “very involved” in her clients lives and becomes very close to them.  In talking with her, I found she gets a lot of the emotional issues, so that’s wonderful.  Meg is going to work up a far more personalized eating plan for me too.

A big huge door has been opened up for me and believe me, I’m going to go through it!

I don’t know if I can fully express what it felt like to log in this morning and have such thoughtful, encouraging messages to my post yesterday.  How blessed am I that I could throw out my thoughts and feelings and get not only understanding, but help!

 Reading through all the great comments made a giant conclusion thump me in the head; this fear is just another excuse.  Apparently with the power I’m giving it, it is the ultimate excuse.  I’m thinking that my real problem isn’t the fear of failing, but the amazing ability I have to make excuses for not doing what I need to do.

But I’m really awesome at making excuses …..

• I’m too tired to go to the gym.
• I have too much weight to lose.
• It’s too hard!
• I lost almost 200 lbs. and regained over half of it, why do I think this wouldn’t happen again?
• What’s the point?  I’m gonna have flabby skin!
• I don’t have time to go to the gym.
• I don’t have time to cook a healthy meal.
• I don’t have time to pack a healthy lunch.

But I’m also good at finding reasons I can and should do this …

• I deserve to be healthy.
• I’m worth the work and time put into it.
• I feel better when I exercise.
• My whole digestive system feels better when I eat healthier.
• It doesn’t take much time to prepare a healthy lunch, just takes a little planning.
• I can do this.  I need to remember what tripped me up in the past and prepare to conquer those obsticles this time!
• I’m worth it, I’m worth it, I AM WORTH IT!

Whew, if kicking one’s own butt was a workout, I’d be working up a sweat!

Thanks again to everyone who gives support here.  Sometimes getting things to stick with me is like nailing jello to a tree, but please trust that you are making a difference in my life and I can only hope to return the favor some day!